I feel mostly scared on the other days I feel hopeful. The other days are the days I have started a project, this is when it all makes sense, why I chose design, the college projects, the art museum trips. The days I feel scared are the days I see a lot of projects, unable to fathom how so many creative manifestations have already taken place and wondering if all creative manifestations have already taken place should I just stop.

On those days I go back to the drawing board, I touch the grass(literally), I let the screen be and don't open the archaic but my favourite thing adobe illustrator. I have started to forget that design is in the pixel of things rather, I arrange the veggies I am gonna put according to colour and size. I photograph all parts of dad's uniform and zoom into the paisley on my mom's saree. I think we forget that it is the human experiences that we bring to design and these can't be found in award winning work compilations and Pinterest.

I do have anxieties when I leave a big self motivated project mid way to 'live life', it feels like exploiting a privilege but from reading of other designers and listening to them talk about simply living full lives, I take the stupid and brave decision of pausing. I have recently picked up Kathak and restarted Squash practice, a skill so disconnected to designing and illustrating.

I may or may not make it as a good designer, may not even continue in the field but I want to be the truest and the most creative version of me wherever I go. I want to tell stories and learn more narratives from more people, so I may miss a day or a week or a month of not designing commercially and do self motivated projects at snail speed, I will rarely miss a conversation, a hike to collect flowers, a chance to google lens a new leaf. I feel experience comes from the real world as well as a desk job of designing, I just want to give them equal space in my journey.